Coaching yourself

Ms. Prohaska, you write that we - at least perceived to be - increasingly find ourselves in situations in which we have to make decisions or set a new course. What kind of situations are these?

Sabine Prohaska: Very different ones. On the one hand, there are professional situations - for example, when something serious changes in our work environment. Then we are always faced with the decision "love it", "change it" or "leave it". So do I come to terms with it, change it or look for something new? It is the same in our private environment. Here, too, there are always fundamental decisions to be made, such as: Do I stay in Hamburg or Vienna or do I move? How much closeness do I want in my relationship with my partner? How important is it for me to have enough time for my hobbies? Then there are the many small decisions in everyday life that nevertheless shape our lives - such as: How do I feed myself? How much do I let my smartphone "dictate" me?

We are often spoilt for choice
Why do such situations, in which we have to decide, become more frequent?

Primarily because we have more options, i.e. choices - ultimately with regard to the way we lead and shape our entire lives. Just one or two generations ago, most people's lives were largely predetermined. Today, we have to find our place in life ourselves and regularly redefine it. Among other things, because the framework conditions of our lives are changing rapidly - also due to digitalization. How and where we shop, how we listen to music, how we find our partners - all this is in flux today. That's why we regularly have to decide anew how we want to live. We can only do that if we know what is important to us.

Why do you consider the competence of self-coaching so important that you even wrote a book about it?

Today there are coaches and consultants for almost all topics. But if we were to go to a coach for every decision, we would be sitting on his couch seven days a week, 24 hours a day. Due to our many possibilities and the numerous changes in our environment, every person today needs the competence to find answers to such questions as: What are (currently) my goals in life? What is important to me? And: How should I therefore decide and act? This is often exhausting, but there is also a great freedom in it. However, this goes hand in hand with a higher personal responsibility of each individual to consciously shape his or her life. In this, we are helped by the competence to coach ourselves - that is, the ability to find an answer to the question in dialogue with ourselves in the respective current situation: What is right for me? However, we should consult a professional coach if there is a danger of getting into an existential life crisis.

Not every crisis is existential

How do you define the term "crisis"?

I would like to distinguish between a "normal", temporary crisis and an existential life crisis. In our life, we often find ourselves in situations where we do not feel comfortable in our skin - for example, because things are not going well in our relationship or in our job, or because something serious has changed in us or in our living environment. This is normal! In these situations, which we often perceive as a crisis, our self-coaching skills are most in demand. In addition, there are existential life crises in which we get out of our mental equilibrium in the long term or often feel permanently out of balance - for example, because our previous problem-solving techniques fail and we alone have neither the strength nor the competence to develop and apply new ones. Then we need external, often professional help.

How do we recognize that a situation is overwhelming us?

A typical sign of this is a prolonged feeling of powerlessness and helplessness; that is, the feeling of being at the mercy of a situation and no longer having the means, skills and resources to master it. This stresses us, and this in turn is articulated, for example, in a physical discomfort, a feeling of tension and sleep disturbances.

If I find myself in a crisis, say due to a layoff or illness, does it make a difference if it happened without my doing?

At first, yes, because I have an external culprit: my ex-employer, my fate. Ultimately, however, the experience of a crisis is always the same: we feel - at least temporarily - powerless and helpless.

How do I deal with the feeling of having triggered the crisis myself?

The worst way is to indulge in self-pity. It is important to look towards the future and, without self-accusation, ask yourself what you could have done differently, draw the necessary conclusions and then take life in your hands again.

Everyone has already mastered a lot in his life

What are the best conditions for self-coaching in a crisis?

The first prerequisite is to be aware, especially in crisis situations, of how much you have already mastered in life. This is always more than expected: for example, the Abitur, a failed relationship, the job search, the change of residence and, and, and... This often already reduces the feeling of powerlessness. Another is to be aware that there is no one right path in life that will make us happy for the rest of our lives. Our needs change throughout our lives and so do our goals. In addition, it takes a certain amount of self-discipline to achieve our goals - possibly in a roundabout way. That is why it is advisable to formulate many stage goals on the way to our big goal, so that we can regularly celebrate small successes and maintain our motivation. Otherwise I quickly get the feeling: I'm treading water. However, we should also be mentally prepared for setbacks, because challenging goals are often not achieved on the straight and narrow, but on snaking paths - with many ups and downs. Therefore, people should not be too hard on themselves in the face of setbacks and weaknesses. They should also not lose their self-confidence. After all, they have already mastered a lot in their lives.

What is the very first step in self-coaching?

Calmly consider: In what area of my life do I want to make a change as a priority, and then formulate specific goals - like, "I want to move up two career levels" or "...find a life partner."

Discovering individual resources

What comes next?

Think about what is needed to achieve this goal; also, what resources are available to you for this: for example, a certain persistence. Or a lot of free time. Or enough money. This is also important to check whether the goal has a high probability of being achieved. After that, it is important to draw up an action plan - with concrete sub-goals. Let's say you want to find a life partner, then your action plan can be:

1. I get a new "look" and exercise regularly to boost my self-confidence.

2. I sign up for a singles site to show myself in the market of possibilities.

3. I join a sports club to expand my circle of friends.

4. …

However, you should be aware of what you are giving up to achieve your big goal. Because we always pay a price for this - even if it's just that we no longer lie limp on the sofa every evening.

And how can I tell that it might be better to seek professional support?

For example, because your thoughts are constantly turning in circles and you get stuck in the brooding trap - similar to a car in a quagmire: the more gas you give, the deeper it digs in. Or the fact that your energy tanks are so empty that you can't take the first steps on your own. This requires a certain mindfulness for ourselves, so that we recognize in time when we need help. This is another skill we need more of today. Attempting to coach ourselves should never put us under so much pressure ("I can do this on my own") that we refuse help when needed. Often our self-coaching competence shows itself precisely in the fact that we accept: "Yes, I need a selective, temporal support" - for example by a coach or consultant.

How important is advice from friends or partners?

More important than their advice is usually their mental support - that is, the knowledge that I am not alone and will be (emotionally) supported if necessary. Of course, the advice and feedback of people we trust can also be helpful. But this does not free us from the necessity to decide, because only we can live our lives ourselves.

Also trust your own gut feeling

How can I tell if the solution I have found is actually the right one for me?

Your question already contains part of the answer - "right for me. Many people are looking for the solution that will make everyone happy for the rest of their lives. There is no such thing! Whether a solution is right for them is usually told to healthy people by their gut feeling: The solution must feel right for them at the present time. Because only then can they unleash the necessary energy to achieve the goals associated with it. And what if the solution feels wrong a year later? Then we should just rethink it and, if necessary, make a new decision. ■